3 February 1999. From hotmail.com

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## A BLUE PRINT TO LOSING YOUR LIFE

Jim Thomsen

Computer Hacker Criminal? A felon hunted? How did this happen, how did I get here? Well ... it was 1996, and I had just downsized my Albany NY business from a staff of 45 to six because after ten years I awoke one day and found I did not own a business, it owned me. My spiritual mid-life reassessment was in full swing and I was to take a year off and travel the US and find what life had left for me to accomplish.

Disabled in a car crash eight years earlier with a bad leg and divorced 10 years with grown children I was still just 41. I was free in my beautiful home on a private mountain top lake to paint, meditate under the stars in my hot tub, and teach meditation at a spiritual center my best friend and I founded.

Seems a dream to me today, as I have just been robbed tonight of my last possessions during a break-in of my car at Denny's in the area where I must stay in to avoid detection. Of course I could not call police and risk arrest myself and they can never recover these things anyway.

Within urine stained walls of peeling plaster, I will guide you from where you sit like I once did a mere 18 months ago to what will likely be my final outcome within nameless places where breath expires into a wind the will come to claim us all someday.

I was interested in computers first as a mainstay of my business to keep up with client demands and production and I was a average user but never a hacker or Unix ready. Soon, I found the web and a service called match.com which was like interactive personals where I exchanged my highest ideas with a few people but found a mirror soul mate with the woman who was to become my wife a year and one half later.

When we met in person at Niagara in the Lake Canada, I fell more in love than I had ever thought was possible of one human spirit. This professional Canadian journalist, but a US citizen, had been married once before 20 years earlier to a Canadian so she had two teenage children which kept her anchored outside the in the chilly border north of the US. A smart beautiful spirit, full of vigor and life, she was a nudist activist, singer, writer, gardener and lover extraordinare. She had been engaged several times but never met her soul mate and we were instantly bonded at levels beyond the sight of mere vision. We both had hefty physical forms, but light in heart, dance and life although my disabilities were a little challenge for us at first.

Since she was fixed with job, kids and history in Canada, I did the only honorable thing a man so in love could do and closed my Albany business and left my lifelong history, friends, family and loves, without a second thought to join the new life in Buffalo so we could be close to that dream that would make us both whole. This old middle age value system of honoring true women spirits was to be my demise.

But after my arrival, the stress of transition slowed her confidence in our early engagement as she felt her life intruded upon and at risk with this outsider that could not just be kept away just for blissful weekends. I backed off and waited for eight months and found after I was left with a shattered leg from a household accident to fend for myself while she met a news deadline, that she was not ready for marriage.

I could still return to Albany and regain some of the embers of my dying business and now 60k poorer and on the verge of losing my Albany mountaintop home to the balloon mortgage, I accepted that life again had waved a dream in front of me I was to have.

She had, through no fault of her own, developed life long issues with men after her father abused sexually abused her at 11, and abandoned her to a life on the streets and ultimately reform school. To bring herself out of this she used her brains and will to forge a new chance for her children and herself and I greatly admired that she overcame some of the same challenges I had done at age 13 and marriage at 16 myself being an emancipated minor in the ghetto during the race riots. From the streets to who's who, we both climbed our way up using our wits, our strength and vision.

So, I had ended the relationship June of 97 and dragged endless boxes back with a shattered leg and was almost moved back to Albany by September 97. Then after three months she overcame her fear and childhood chains to promise marriage because her soul had chosen love over fear and she even offered to move to Albany. That first sign of a willingness to sacrifice showed the faith I had risked every aspect of my own life to see and I took that broken body one more time back to Buffalo.

Unfortunately for me, her faith of heart was only to last for a few brief months and after we married in November of 1997 she informed me I could not move to Canada because she could not file status papers for a spouse because her taxes were undone for four years which was a first requirement of the application form. I was later to find out this was an excuse to hold me in the states where I was forced into personal bankruptcy and the indignity of having to borrow money from my mother for the first time in my life.

My son was in need and I could not help him either and my self respect waned but held on to love's promise of a new life. Of course she accepted the gifts and advantages of marriage, and required me to have a vasectomy, but all the while she developed her fear of men again and kept our marriage an arrangement where one of us had to visit the other in a different country although only 40 minutes apart.

It kept her safe, those international borders like all other illusions. Without status, I could not work in Canada and after bankruptcy, a depression sunk in as I found I could not fill the void ever deepening from her childhood wound. I was failing her.

She began a relationship online with another man who was taking care of her father in Arizona and within six months of our own marriage she was looking for a way out to be with him. I had sensed her search and even agreed to join a swinger club so she could use other men's bodies as long as I was there to insure our heart bond remained sacred. I never partook for myself and as my introvert life had to accept her nudist lifestyle as a condition imposed for marriage, I thought a "backfire" distraction might take her mind off fear and her other interest now forming.

I had accepted some work in Korea for a month and upon my return was given heads up by a neighbor that all was not well at the my wife's home where she now had taken my investment to re-carpet and repair her house for our eventual sharing by July of 98.

But she had fallen in love so she thought with a Mickey [deleted] of Tucson, Arizona and looked for any reason to justify throwing away our marriage and the totality of a life I had given in trust to make it possible.

Upon my return, I thought I had found her affair with another, but had the wrong guy in mind at first and she claimed her innocence could not be questioned and wanted a divorce after eight months of marriage that never had us in a joint home. With no grounds for such an emotional reaction I was confused and, I left for three weeks to travel the country and write poetry rather than be upset.

Then I was sent emails between her and her lover where she had agreed to meet him as soon as I left for sex and become engaged.

Without breaking a sacred promise, I cannot divulge how I came to be sent those emails, but I made it appear as if was me.

I came back to beg for counseling for what was driving her entire life to use men to fill a hole in her heart left by cruel life experiences from her childhood.

She claimed I was crazy and mentally ill to think such things and said in quotes "If I want to fuck the entire Buffalo Bills football team it is none of your business what I do with my own body." I disagreed as I was not giving up on our marriage, my friend and soul mate because of some demon left unlocked that surfaced with the first long term relationship of her adult life.

I begged her to agree to a day of counseling, split the blame, and get off the mentally ill denial tactic and accept the fact that in all breakups the responsibility is always dual.

She threw me away and I then determined that if my life was now destroyed, financially, professionally and personally then at least I would leave some value to that loss by trying to excise the demon from her carefully built defense system.

After significant research, I found that tough love was going to be needed to stop being an enabler and hold up her adultery and symptoms to public display if she so chose so by not continuing a dialog.

She dared me and I set up a web site to shock only her, but told no one of its existence except for herself, her lover and her son all of whom had seen this nudist in her proud birthday suit many times.

I did not send pictures to any other sites but then sent 40 letters to her and the lovers' neighbors telling them of the adultery since she had lied and told them she was not married. Her lover, also a nudist, married four times before, had some small cardboard signs placed in his neighborhood saying he committed adultery and flowers sent to work congratulating him on his engagement to a swinger nudist who was still married.

Later I put 14 such signs in Canada when she returned after a month long lovers retreat.

I used legal web search engines and a licensed private investigator to insure the right person received the public shame tactics.

I only did so following Mathew 15:18 where sinners are asked to stop, then asked by two to stop before the community brings them accountable.

At every moment I offered to stop the public disclosure if she would accept some counseling and fair negotiation. Instead she went to the police and told them I was likely to bomb a place where her lover worked and was stalking them.

I never threatened either of them nor harmed any property at any time. In fact in each communication I promised never to harm living thing or property. No email virus, screaming, no male bravado and soon she confided that she would have preferred a good physical "thumping" rather than the creative public tactics I had formulated to unravel her life of deceit.

My wife is a master of police manipulation being a police reporter and previously engaged for four years to a cop. She has convinced them she is the victim and I am likely to kidnap or harm her or her family. I have never done anything to suggest such childness and in fact have told her in advance of each step I would take to remind her to push the stop button at anytime she wished.

I have never been arrested nor had a single act of violence in my adult life and as a Christian Buddhist I cannot harm any living thing.

With every attempt to email her or convince her that her demon was the real aspect we should both attack, she screamed foul about the website updates, letters I sent explaining my motives to her friends. I assured her and that she would never be harmed as I loved her, but she found female DA and police to agree she was a victim.

What was ironic was that I was using the same legal tactics she used for her newspaper career to unravel many a life through her own stories of exposure of hidden shame and this first amendment fighter was now seeking refuge from her own exposed shame. She could not stand the turnaround and felt her world was spinning out of control. My hope was and is that if she can see and the demon she created to survive her fathers blow, I would have left a service in love that would make any sacrifice worthy to free her life from this bond and allow the beautiful spirit I fell in love with go free from fear.

At 13 she was having sex with 47-year-old men and a long list of father substitutes since, and the pain in my heart for her abuse understood why she had constructed such a defense system but I also understood her cage was a prison no longer needed and it offered no safety. I had hoped and failed that my unconditional love would allow her enough safety to examine the need for the cage safety but alas life turmoil had struck us both in
that first precious year. She lost her job, a grandchild, friends moved away as my life spun faster while attached now only to her own.

So, Carol and police met and conspired. They looked and looked to find some law I must have broken, but all the pubic disclosure was legal as I had used it in business at the guidance of attorneys a few years earlier over a battle of libel with a newspaper. The web page was sponsored by my new organization "Committee to Protect Sensitive Men."

Then they found a new law and developments with wiretapping over email and decided I should be the test case to allow them good press and most importantly get me in jail where I would be shut up. By having multiple jurisdictions wait to charge me at state and federal levels, they thought to have me unable to meet the numerous bails, attorneys needed for multiple jurisdictions and keep me in a orange jumpsuit until my will was broken and life thoroughly robbed or any chance to recover and then offer me a plea or time served for some minor charge.

I came in to my office to find my computer and files seized with a search warrant left but I did not feel threatened at that point because it was also the evidence that proved I did not hack into any system and her own password in her handwriting was written down on a pad they took. But most importantly, the emails were sent to me. I did not as she claimed to police and the warrant contended, break into a Canadian email server without
authorization.

But if the facts do not support a DA, they will spin the charges to fit what ever allegations will take you off the street with no intention of going through a full trial to clear your name. This is the politics of overcharging. They hit you with the entire book so that they can come and offer dropping charges later except for one or two, as they you feel you have to give them something minor to plead to in exchange for their kind admission they have no case. But you cannot un-ring a bell, and the publicity blow job would be in and your life a endless retelling of a why they would pick on you. But I planned to surrender since my proof of innocence was already in their own hands if what they said I was to be charged with was the truth.

But it wasn't.

I was warned of the setup by a neighbor of my wife in Canada and found a defense attorney at the last minute that seemed to agree there was little to do. I disagreed. If the last aspects of my life was going to be taken, than I was going to be the one to take it and rob my wife's attempt to give what she called press blow jobs to the police in exchange for their unlawful malicious prosecution of me.

She got numerous friends in the media as she was well known and had just landed a new job at CTV W5 in Toronto to coordinate coverage under her story. Press hits to her secret web page she told them about rose over 500 a day from all over the US and Canada. She told her friends she was happy of the idea of me taking my own life and could not wait to be free to join her new lover and life.

On Christmas eve I made a final phone call after leaving a will and even a new 100k life insurance policy to the wife that had taken all but the heart beat of my physical life. I had said my good-byes, placed my only companion in Buffalo NY ( my dog ) with a new owner and prepared a creative but sure exit that would harm no one else.

That phone call I made convinced me to carry on for a little while longer as I might yet get though to a wife not to forgive me, but to understand that everything I did was a statement of giving my life for the short chance for bliss we both let slip though our fingers.
Now computer crime squads in police departments from NY to Texas search the net looking for me with snoops and tracers and I am on every arrest alert in the country as dangerous.

I have pleaded for help to my attorney and even put myself in for a complete psychiatric evaluation so after this is finished the proof of my sanity status will be documented.

Suicide is about ending your life because of pain. I will not do that as pain is part of my life. But sacrifice is taking a bullet for your buddy in a war, or a mother stepping in front of a speeding car to push her child to safety.

I will sacrifice the little heart beat I have left, if needed, as I have already given and lost my dignity, my life and now if they have their way my liberty.

So many have died for less. I am proud to make a statement of who I am.

One of the last good men to be used. But I have no anger in my heart, no rage or revenge towards my wife or those that would remove my statements of truth in my being from cyberspace as well as physical reality.

I am a passionate person, too intelligent for my own good. And a romantic throwback to the days of honor, integrity and duty that seem today to be a sure sign that I am not normal and out of sync with a society that throws away human life in every way when it becomes too much trouble to tolerate as different.

Normal is being like everyone else and I plead guilty in not being normal the same as Jung, Van Gogh and Gandhi. I am not them, but I stand proud to be unique and authentic of pure heart that chose not to harm any living thing or property, use legal methods and allow my wife to control the shame of her adultery to give what little chance I had left to alter her pattern of pain for her future years and partners.

To that I plead guilty. Loving to much, risking too much and hurting too much. And I will let the policetake their vengeance if that is what is chosen for me. Until then, I put these words on a screen to a person like you who may read and hear what is behind what these words can not convey.

Just remember if I could have been where you are 18 months ago, and you be here tonight, is that not a scary thought that just stating your views and values can be used to chase you over a cliff into an abyss under the guise of our own police and legal system?

I spent a life time working for police doing training, and my best friends are cops and lawyers and yet all are powerless to stop the pack of dogs that have chased the exhausted fox knowing his nature would not allow him any other option.

They will come for you under some other circumstance maybe a illness that chases you, maybe some other unseen foe, but who would have thought my wife giving me her email password and me giving her mine would have made me a felon in the eyes of a legal system that cannot stop thugs but spends tens of thousands of taxpayer dollars to chase a private marital affair six thousand miles across the US into a tear-wet hotel room where I am tonight.

No, they are not chasing me. They are chasing the dangerous idea that we are individuals with a right to life as long as it harms no other. It is my brain they want to silence, as I know too much about how NYS allows them to track private citizens not charged with any crime by using the electronic toll payment tags on cars and wiretaps everywhere. All this for a private marital affair where no violence was ever threatened and a husband was trying his own way to save a dream he would later die for.

They would have preferred violence as that they would understand and be able to deal with, they cannot stand non violent resistance to injustice anymore than they could for Martin Luther King or Gandhi. As with all actualized spirits, we cannot exist without others being threatened by their own internal shadows and they will use whatever guise and spin to justify their actions like they did with others.

For you women haters out there, this is not justification for your own fear, as the demon placed in the open 11 year old heart of a delicate daughter flower so needing her fathers love is what has trapped my poor wife, friend and buddy.

It was the harm of a man first visited on a open slate of a beautiful little girl that has mirrored back it's primal scream of clenched firsts that beat on me now as the current substitute because she still needs the love of a father and resolution has never occurred.

I have brought that terror back into daylight so she now with adult tools of strength being honed on me, can cut it's grasp forever. What better gift can I give love than that when I have given all else as a substitute. For if you give love your life, it will be life that will give you love. Like unseen gash with a weak scar, men and women visit these injuries on each other and then wonder why there is no trust among us.

It is this role as current demon I accept lovingly and the world can judge my actions but God can judge my heart.

I know this sounds silly and corny and perhaps I should be put away for such dangerous ideas.

Enjoy and value your life my unseen connection. Even with it's challenges and never met expectations. We never know how we will be a partner in the destruction of it. Or how the person you lie next to this night will use their talents to hunt you out of existence in their life and your own. But to think as I do that the greatest darkness of today is the deadening of the human mind, the excising of the human spirit and hiding away of the human heart is dangerous thinking to a society told how to think by the media soundbites. Martin Luther King said, "what the world needs is those with a tough mind and a tender heart" and to that my old friend and I are an exact match.

The police are reading this right now and hope to nip me at my keyboard before I can send anything else.

Perhaps they will. And perhaps they should.

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